Canada's Very Own Prime Time Super Risque Soap Opera

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femme fatale

There's a female comic in Toronto who goes by the name Red. I think she's still around, though I haven't seen her lately. In any case, she used to hang around the comedy rooms, but she didn't look like a typical comic.

This woman looked like a femme fatale, right out of a 1940's film-noire detective movie. She had chiseled features, flawless skin, and thick auburn hair that swooped up at the shoulders.

As far as I was concerned, with a pair of fish net stockings, a loaded pistol inside a classy handbag and a well-connected entertainment lawyer, she could have kissed amateur stand up comedy goodbye, a long time ago.

She said, she was originally from Montreal, born into a Jewish family. I don't think Toronto rubbed her the right way. Some of her material never got the reaction she was looking for.

Partly because she was playing to a roomful of depressed, unemployed Torontonians forced to guzzle cheap pissy beer. And partly because of her jokes. Like the one about about zombie, sexless Torontonians. That one used to hover in mid air then drop like a ton of bricks, every time.

Anyway, whenever I saw her, I used to think to myself, what is this woman doing here? She should be on Canadian television. She should be the star of Canada's very own prime time super risque', soap opera. High farce. Soap meets Soap. This country is due for one.

montagne bleu

We'll call it Montagne Bleu. Red would be perfect as the lead vixen. We'll have her dye her hair blonde, but we'll still call her Red.

The first season will end with a traditional cliffhanger like, 'Who Cloned Red?'

We'll explore cutting edge issues like, 'Is Red pregnant with Chantelle's baby or is Chantelle really a clone of Red's recently deceased gay uncle who died of terminal gingivitis? Tune in next week for the answers on Montagne Blue.

We'll work in the Unity Issue. On one level it'll be great entertainment, but on another level, it'll be warring families as an analogy for the Separatist/Unity issue.

Red could be head of Leziggler family of Chicoutimi, French Jewish Separatists. Oh my what a mix, it's anarchy itself.

Their arch nemesis will be the Anglican Schneiders of Aurora. However, both families are very worried by the low key, but all pervasive Wang family of Vancouver.

But, watch out, it's all coming undone, because the Panunu family of Niagara Falls is at war with the Hell's Angels from New Brunswick. They're fighting tooth and nail to get control of the nation's supply of ecstasy pills.

United or separated, Canadians kids cannot be denied their fun pills. Comes in handy when you're young and stupid and can't wrap your head around modern corporate run society.

As a cut away episode, we'll show remnants of the proud Iroquois Indian tribe operating casinos on ancient burial grounds.

Under the radar, they're smuggling cigarettes across the border by the truckloads, with a little help from the Tobacco companies. All the while the Elders are secretly stock piling weapons, hoping something blows soon.

For interesting side stories and comic relief, we'll cut to Yonge street where shell shocked Iranians are selling hot dogs and pizza.

The East Indians are driving cabs, while the Koreans are selling computer parts cheaper than Future Shop.

Up at Wilson Heights, octogenarian Pinko Cabalists hotly debate the irony intrinsic to the Book of Esther.

At the corner of Dundas and Dovercourt the Portuguese take to the streets for a religious parade and completely confuse the issue.

Cut to the front stoop of a Portuguese house. Zoom in on a picture hanging beside the front door. It's a picture of Jesus Christ sitting in the lotus position, complete with puffy white clouds and soft blue skies. The only thing missing is an elephant trunk and the word Om.

The opening credits will always include this sequence. It's late in the evening, a black guy stops at a gas station to fill up on fuel.

But the shell-shocked Bosnian cashier is not taking any chances. He quickly exits the cubicle, locks the door behind him and proceeds to the Coffee Time across the street, run by shell-shocked Serbians.

Then we'll cut to Montreal, Rue Saint-Catherine, where shell-shocked Iranians are selling hot dogs and pizzas. The East Indians are driving cabs.

We cut to Vancouver, a beautiful shot of the city with the mountains in the background, along with the caption, 'Ditto'.

Then cut back to Toronto, just off Church street. We follow a carload of young upstanding men from Pickering, about to give a lift to a lone transvestite on his way home... whether he wants one or not.

Then we'll cut to Dundas subway station, where young elementary school girls from Etobicoke ride the rocket downtown wearing Bustiers, hell bent on buying up the latest batch of Pokemon cards.

But, they're frustrated by the homeless who continuously badger them for small change. So they taunt the homeless by shaking their Britney Spears knapsack filled with loonies, toonies and ecstasy pills, all the while singing,

'If you want to be my lover, you have to take a shower!'

'Oops, you stink and I don't care!'

Montagne Bleu, starring the Canadian Mosaic, from the top down.... Can you see it?

By Afsaneh on December 01, 2003